I’ll be the guy in the tux
I’m considering making the tuxedo the main item in my wardrobe. I’m going to start doing my grocery shopping in one. I’m going to wear one while I work on my computer during the day. I may even start wearing one to the gym. People simply treat you better when you’re wearing a tuxedo. They assume you’re someone important, full of mystery, coming or going from someplace spectacular — not an unemployed writer who seems to spend more time traveling than actually writing. (And in China — if you look like a foreigner, at least — no one will ever assume you are a waiter or a valet.)
I found myself in a tuxedo Wednesday night. The occasion was Shanghai Talk magazine’s annual party (photos). It was at La Fabrique, an uberchic restaurant/club, the regular clientele of which is likely very familiar with the latest international DJ rankings. (I’m not kidding. People really rank DJs. Seriously.) The theme of the party was “art deco,” which clothing-wise left me clueless. The invitation said “think Josephine Baker/Noel Coward.” I Googled both Baker and Coward and, and after looking at several images of both, concluded that most men would arrive wearing ascots — and the women would be topless.
I actually gave the ascot the old Coward try. We tried to make one, realizing finding an ascot in Shanghai would be much more trouble than it was worth, and that if we did manage to find one, it would likely cost much more than it was worth. The poor do not wear ascots. So, we bought some awfully ornate Chinese silk in my neigborhood and, with some scissors and double-sided tape, fashioned an awfully awful looking ascot. I quickly ditched the ascot idea — poor writers do not wear ascots — and went with my $40 tux (gotta love the Shanghai fabric market), sans tie. It was a wise move.
The party was nice — and must have cost a small fortune … or at least been the result of some major guanxi. Open bar and and a continuous flow of appetizers from 6:30 pm to midnight, and dozens of door prizes from big-name merchants. There was also tap dancing, courtesy of three foreigners. And as I was watching them do their thing, I began to wonder, What are foreign tap dancers doing in Shanghai? This can’t be their fulltime gig, right? I mean, how much money can a tap dancer earn in China? And then somebody told me: They get RMB 3,000 — per two-minute performance. And they ain’t getting paid for originality, either. They did three numbers. And the third was exactly the same as the first. Did I mention they get RMB 3,000 every two minutes?
Bliss and I met two British girls at the party, Janice and Louise, and per their suggestion as La Fabrique was winding down, the four of us decided to head on to the House of Blues and Jazz on Maoming Lu (which is still full of bars, despite the rumors of the street’s demise). But it was raining. And we needed a cab. Not a pleasant predicament to be in here in Shanghai. I offered to go streetside, umbrella-less, and wave a taxi down, as any man wearing a tuxedo should do for his three female companions. (Actually, in addition to my newly adopted always-be-seen-in-a-tuxedo rule, I may also adopt an always-be-seen-with-three-women rule. Adds to the mystery.)
I didn’t find a taxi. But I did get rather wet. And a uniformed doorman saw this and stood next to me, holding his yellow Winnie the Pooh umbrella over both of our heads. I have to think the tuxedo had something to do with this. It made me feel uncomfortable. Not the fact that we were standing so close together, but that he was holding the umbrella for me. I wanted to explain to him that I am not really important. That I don’t usually wear a tuxedo. And that this tuxedo was actually rather cheap. I offered to hold the umbrella. He wouldn’t let me. And then he insisted that I go and wait in the lobby with my “female friends.” He would get the taxi and then come get us. I protested. He insisted. And wouldn’t take no for an answer. Five minutes later, a taxi pulled up in front of La Fabrique. The doorman was sitting in the passenger seat. That’s good service. I wonder if it would have happened if I was in jeans.
We got to the House of Blues and Jazz, and it was packed … on a Wednesday. No way we were going to find a table — but we did. Ahem, tuxedo anyone? We settled in and ordered drinks. And then I felt something on my shoulder. It was the waiter. He was wiping me off with a napkin. I thought perhaps he had spilled something. It was possible — there was a group of crazy Scandanavians dancing behind me. But no, he was simply wiping the rainwater off my jacket, my t-u-x-e-d-o jacket.
I’m never taking the damn thing off.
New York City’s “top all-around entertainer” — that’s what Michael Musto of the Village Voice calls him, anyway — will be in Shanghai for just one more week, so get your ass on over to the House of Blues and Jazz if you want to judge for yourself whether Carlton J. Smith is the real deal. Although, I have heard better music at the House of Blues and Jazz, I can’t say that I’ve seen someone perform quite like Mr. Smith, who kind of looks like Barry Bonds sans steroids. His voice sounded like it was feeling the effects of nearly three months of six shows a week, three sets a show. But it didn’t seem like Smith, a regular headliner at NYC’s B.B. King Blues Club and Grill, was lacking anything in the energy department. He gets the crowd involved, which is great — as long as you’re not the person he hand picks to come up on stage and sing. He avoided me, no doubt intimidated by the tuxedo. Smith put on a good show, but I must say the highlight of the night was watching drunk middle-aged men from Holland and Belgium trying to sing “My Girl.” And then they all came up front and danced. Yikes.
House of Blues and Jazz
158 Maoming Nan Lu (near Nanchang Lu)
茂名南路158号(近南昌路）
6437-5280
La Fabrique
Bldg 7, 8-10 Jianguo Zhong Lu (near Sinan Lu)
建国中路8-10号7号楼(近思南路）
6415-1600
03.19.2005, 8:10 PM · Bars, Music, Observations
9 Comments
Dan:
I always enjoy your writing. You are honest, ane full of humor.
Just wonder, how you make a living, with your pretty girlfriend in Shanghai ?
Eric
Who’s the girl in the picture? She looks like Tan Yuan Yuan…
Nah, Zhang Ziyi with another five years.
Hey Dan, I just wanted to drop a line and tell you I really like your blog. Last year I got the chance to spend a month in Shanghai for work, and will now be going back often. I wish I would have found your site before my trip, I would have killed for a good hot dog halfway through my trip! Anyway, it’s good to get some insight on Shanghai from someone with similar interests and not some nerdy expat or over-the-hill business man. Thanks.
I had been here a few times, reading your archives. THink you should be voted as the best blog in CHina man.
There might be some confusion regarding photos.
I am not in this photo (the one seen above). This is Shamus, editor of Shanghai Talk, and our friend Louise (who, by the way, I think looks more like ballerina Tan Yuan Yuan than Zhang Ziyi).
This party photo features my girlfriend Bliss and me.
Dan Washburn: International Man of Mystery. Yeah Baby! Oh Behave.
I’ve got to try the tux thing. Great post.
Dan
Nice to see your photo
Good to read your page
Keep smiling
Hilarious as always Dan. You are right of course, a tuxedo always gets you better service. I once was in a situation where I stopped by a Wal-mart of all places in formal attire(was coming back home from something important) to get some passport photos taken. Let it be known, the usual slack jawled surly glares of the Wal-mart employee was awed by yours truly.