a fond farewell to a friend
over the past six or so years, i have listened to no one’s voice more than elliott smith’s. his music has spoken to me more than girlfriends, parents or friends. he’s always been there for me — i wish i could have been there for him. elliott died tuesday. he stabbed himself in the heart with a steak knife.
elliott had his problems, obviously. alcohol. drugs. depression. he was fragile, uncomfortable with fame. i’ve seen him in concert several times. and after each one, i always thought the same thing: “i hope elliott is ok.”
and, recently, i really thought he was. he kind of disappeared in 2001 and 2002. those were dark times for him, i now know. but it looked like he was picking up the pieces. he was working hard on his still unreleased double-album from a basement on a hill. early this year, i downloaded a couple of his live shows from january. yes, the new songs were dark. yes, they dealt with depression. yes, they dealt with suicide. but elliott seemed happy. he talked in between songs more than usual. he joked. he laughed. (he’s actually got a great sense of humor.) he seemed to be turning the corner. “i feel some happy songs coming on,” he said at one point. “maybe next week.” and later, “some of the songs are dark, but i’m healthy and fine.”
i suppose that when someone feels the need to announce that everything is fine, everything probably is not. but i don’t agree with the tone of many of the post-suicide stories about elliott that i’ve been reading. they almost make it sound like his suicide was inevitable, that they saw it coming. one punk in a message board said elliott “had suicide written all over him.” yeah? well then so does half the indie-rock crowd. some of his songs were dark, sure. wes anderson even decided to play one during an attempted suicide scene in the royal tenenbaums.
but many of elliott’s songs are filled with love, hope and tenderness. and no matter the lyrics, his melodies are beautiful. his music makes me smile. the folks at dreamworks are saying elliott “was perhaps his generation’s most gifted songwriter. his enormous talent could change your life in a whisper.” i don’t disagree.
my only run-in with elliott was short. but it was sweet. it was 1998, right when the whole good will hunting oscar buzz was at its loudest. it was on south street in philly. i was waiting outside the cadillac grille for my first elliott show. and then he came shuffling down the street toward the club’s front door. i think i was the only one who noticed. i said hi, and asked for an autograph. he smiled, said sure and signed my either/or cd cover “XO Elliott.” he seemed kind of embarassed.
this is the elliott i will remember. sweet and soft-spoken, not sure how to handle the fact that people really like him. and thousands do. after news of his death broke, i started receiving e-mails from friends who treated the situation like a family member of mine had died. i contacted a close friend, another big elliott fan, and he was like me: in a haze. every now and again we’d sigh and whisper, “fuck.” he told me his sister started crying when she heard the news.
many of elliott’s recent works tackled the topics of depression and suicide. “give me one good reason not to do it,” he sang during that live show in january. “because we love you!” a girl in the audience shouted back. maybe we all didn’t shout loud enough. or maybe our shouts were too loud.
either way, elliott’s gone. and, for me at least, his songs will never sound quite the same.
click here to read “better off than dead, elliott smith comes clean,” from the june 2003 issue of under the radar. (this is a must read.)
click here to read “friends, peers mourn elliott smith,” from billboard.
click here to read pitchforkmedia.com’s coverage of elliott’s death.
click here to visit elliott’s fan site.
UPDATE: the latest from pitchforkmedia.com is here.
from a friend: “Elliott’s songs were dark because he wrote about the sad places we’d rather not — geopolitical scale, but on the extremely intimate level of personal failure, loss, self-doubt and regret. But he always seemed to leave open the possibility of grace. He reminded people he was with them when those dark places encroached on daily life.” well said.
from jack black: in the latest issue of BLENDER magazine — i had never heard of it either until a friend mailed me a copy — the tenacious d funnyman lists his favorite albums. they include sebadoh, nirvana, nick drake, meat puppets, urge overkill, fugazi, john spencer blues explosion, firehose and … elliott. here is what jack had to say, pre-suicide: “i think elliott smith might be the best songwriter of the bunch. fingers crossed, he’s going to make a comeback. his first three albums — which he did for, you know, 20 cents in his portland studio — are genius. i think he’s like thom yorke in that he awakes from a fever dream with a melody lingering in his skull.”
photo by wendy lynch, under the radar magazine.
10.25.2003, 12:35 AM · Music
3 Comments
other pieces out there left me feeling rather unsettled. i’m glad you wrote this.
Dan:
I thought about you instantly when I heard about Elliott. Sorry to hear it. I was with you when you saw him at the Cadillac - that was a pretty cool, intimate setting. I don’t have a strong memory of you getting an autograph, though I’m sure you did.
i came by to see some of my users sharing my thoughts about this talented musician … i wish i could have seen him playing live, but i missed him … :(