Happy Freakin’ Valentine’s Day
NOTE: A shorter and less, um, explicit version of this story will appear in the February 2003 issue of that’s Shanghai magazine.
by DAN WASHBURN
I hate Valentine’s Day. And, I would guess, privately most of you do too … unless you happen to be wrapped up in the flowers, greeting cards and chocolate racket. There’s not much less romantic than a holiday that tries to force you to be romantic. There’s not much less romantic than V-Day’s origins, either. First, there was ancient Rome’s Lupercalia, the mid-February fornication festival that required each horny young boy to pick at random the name of a female (it didn’t matter if she was horny) to be his plaything for the following year. Erotic? Yes. Romantic? No.
Then, we have that Saint Valentine guy, who, depending on who you ask, could have been either a great romantic, a chaste man or — yikes — a brutal murderer and an abuser of women. One thing, however, is generally agreed upon: A man named Valentine was beaten and beheaded on February 14 in 269 B.C. And if that image doesn’t make you want to go out and buy some roses for your lover, I don’t know what will.
Regardless, we will celebrate Saint Valentine’s Day this year like we do every year. It’s what we are trained to do. The holiday’s thorny stems have us entangled. The key to V-Day success is being able to think outside of the heart-shaped box, to enjoy the holiday without losing your head. Everybody gives roses. Everybody gives chocolate. Everybody dresses up and goes out to dinner. Here are 14 suggestions for leaving everybody behind this February 14. Heck, some of them might even get you laid.
1. For thousands of years, the fish has been used as a symbol to represent the female sex organ in Chinese culture. Oysters are supposed to be a natural aphrodisiac. So why not head on over to the Shanghai Ocean Aquarium in Pudong before snacking on some sushi? Maybe later, one of you will eat some salmon or chi bao yu — ask one of your Chinese friends what that really means.
2. Get yourself some religion at 97-year-old Xujiahui St. Ignatius Cathedral, the largest Catholic church in Shanghai. That night, make your dining divine at The Dome, housed in a former Russian Orthodox church. This is Saint Valentine’s Day after all. (Feel free to lose your religion come bedtime.)
3. Log on to chocolatecuisine.com and try your hand at some DIY dessert making. After that fails miserably, schlep on over to the nearest Haagen-Dazs cafe — they’ve got a chocolate fondue platter that can fix anything. Come nighttime, cruise to Cru Bar for a chocolate mint martini before a nightcap at — where else? — Hot Chocolate.
4. Nothing says “I love you” like an ancient penis. So get your ass over to the Chinese Sex Museum. It should give you some ideas on how to fill the rest of the day.
5. Don’t bring flowers to her, bring her to the flowers. The Jing Wen Flower Market is brimming with blossoms, and she doesn’t have to open a cardboard box to see them. She loves you. She loves you not. She loves you! If she has a sense of humor, too, grab a drink at the Wild Ross Pub. It was supposed to be called the Wild Rose … but that was before the signmakers sent in their finished product.
6. You’d kill for her. She’d die for you. Why not plan a date themed after one of the most famous events in hitmen history — Chicago’s St. Valentine’s Day Massacre? Down some deep-dish pizza — Pizza Hut may actually be your best bet … we are in China, after all. Have some hooch at the Cotton Club, which shares its name with Al Capone’s favorite Windy City watering hole. Buy a bootleg DVD of Chicago. After that, feel free to fire a gun (da pao) of your own.
7. What’s that? The only way you’d let another man touch your girlfriend is if he couldn’t see a thing? Good thing you live in China. The first national massage contest was held in Beijing last fall and 80 percent of the contestants were blind people. Several of them practice in Shanghai and — warning — they like it rough. Grab a table next to your date, and when the pain comes to a climax, see if you can scream in unison.
8. They say the easiest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Well, the easiest way to get through his stomach is by burning a hole in it. The trick? Warm his heart without giving him heartburn. Any Sichuan or Hunan joint should do the trick. Try one of Shanghai’s dozen Songji Hot and Spicy Crab restaurants. The dishes there have been known to make even the most macho men cry.
9. So you told her you’d climb any mountain for her … but you don’t feel like hiking Huangshan? The Hokkaido Indoor Skiing Site — China’s largest — allows you to reach heights without all the hassle. You can ski. You can snowboard. Sorry, though, the saunas here aren’t unisex. But there will be plenty of time for you to heat each other up later — on whatever slopes you choose to ride at home.
10. Plenty of rubber gets laid here. Yes, we’re talking about go carting. Gals, take your man to a place where his habit of finishing fast is actually a good thing. Guys, take advantage of the opportunity to bump your girlfriend from behind again and again. Just be sure to wear protection! (I’m talking about helmets, people. Geez, get your minds out of the gutter.)
11. It involves sticking fingers into dark holes and blowing on balls for good luck. A perfect game is known as going all the way. Who knew bowling could be so sexy?
12. If you like cuddling in crowds, feel free to float on the Huangpu. Otherwise, journey up to little-known Zhabei Park in the north part of the city, where boats for two are red and just 20 yuan. If you get sick of sailing, this funky funhouse has also got bumper cars. Oh, and then there are the camels. Yes, camels. It’s the perfect opportunity to ask your date, “One hump or two?”
13. Here’s a plan for those of you going solo on V-Day. In honor of the band My Bloody Valentine — Irish alt-rockers from the 1980s — find yourself a stool at O’Malley’s Irish Pub and stay there. Consume pint after pint of Guinness. Drink enough and you just might find yourself a Valentine for the night. Remember, no one is ugly after 2 a.m.
14. Do nothing. Take comfort in the fact that China’s version of Valentine’s Day — the seventh day of the seventh lunar month — isn’t until August 4.
If you go …
1. Shanghai Ocean Aquarium, 158 Yin Cheng Bei Lu, Pudong (5877 9988)
2. Xujiahui St. Ignatius Cathedral, 158 Puxi Lu (6439 4298), The Dome, 55 Xin Le Lu, by Xiang Yang Nan Lu (5404 4388, 5404 7866)
3. Haagen-Dazs, 1) Rm 157-160, Grand Gateway, 1 Hongqiao Lu, by Zhao Jia Bang Lu (6407 7303), 2) Rm 113, Westgate Mall, 1038 Nanjing Xi Lu, by Jiang Ning Lu (6218 2248), 3) 558 Huai Hai Zhong Lu, by Chengdu Lu (6327 2561) 4) Rm F24, Lelechen Shopping Center, 757 Nanjing Dong Lu, by Yunnan Zhong Lu (6351 1082) 5) 1/F, Yao Han Plaza, 1111 Pudong Nan Lu, by Zhang Yang Lu (5830 4130), 6) Unit 2, House 7, Lane 123 Xing Ye Lu, by Huangpi Nan Lu (6384 1459), 7) Metro Plaza, 1111 Zhao Jia Bang Lu, by Tian Yao Qiao Lu (6426 8239), 8) 1/F, Hongqiao Friendship Department Store, 6 Zun Yi Nan Lu (6275 9863), Cru Cocktail and Cigar Bar, 1/F Renaissance Yangtze Shanghai Hotel, 2099 Yan’An Xi Lu, by Zun Yi Lu (6275 0000 ext 2168), Hot Chocolate, 21 Don Ping Le, by Hengshan Lu (6466 8585)
4. Chinese Sex Museum, 1133 Wu Ding Lu, by Wu Ning Nan Lu (6230 1243)
5. Jing Wen Flower Market, 225 Shanxi Nan Lu, Wild Ross Pub, 28 Zunyi Lu, by Xian Xia Lu (6241 5175)
6. Cotton Club, 8 Fuxing Xi Lu, by Huai Hai Zhong Lu (6437 7110)
7. Double Rainbow Massage House, 1) 47 Yong Jia Lu, by Shanxi Lu (6473 4000), 2) 229 Huai Hai Xi Lu, by Pan Yu Lu (6280 2600), Yi Lin Massage Garden, No. 1, Lane 100 Nan Dan Dong Lu (6464 3786)
8. Songji Hot and Spicy Crab, 1) 258 Gu Bei Nan Lu (6275 8000), 2) 1209 Yan’an Xi Lu (6212 2000), 3) 19 Wan Hang Du Lu (6225 7788), 4) 500 Tian Mu Xi Lu (6380 5908), 5) 17-11 Yin Cheng Xi Lu (5888 1718), 6) 1589 Da Du He Lu (6265 9400), 7) 177 Huai Hai Zhong Lu (6387 1717), 8) 559 Xi Zang Zhong Lu (6358 8258), 9) 825 Zhao Jia Bang Lu (6438 0319), 10) 1820 Si Ping Lu (5666 6213), 11) 908 Hua Ling Lu (6635 3912), 12) 545 Liu Zhou Lu (6470 7888)
9. Hokkaido Indoor Skiing Site, 1835 Qixing Lu, by Gudai Lu (6478 8666)
10. DISC KART Indoor Karting, 326 Aomen Lu (6277 5641, 5252 0278), IB Racing Kart Club, 880 Zhong Shan Bei Lu (6531 6800)
11. Tons of bowling alleys to choose from.
12. Zhabei Park, Luochuan Dong Lu, by Gonghe Xin Lu
13. O’Malley’s Irish Pub, 42 Tao Jiang Lu, by Wulumuqi Nan Lu (6437 0667, 6474 4533)
1 Comments
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